25th September 2006,
5.00pm Monday. As usual finishing blog before go back- lock the door in case any disturbance from outside. Fri CG was good, worship lead a bit stuck, coz most of the people not sure about the songs that I lead..sharing was good- an overview of the weeks' material on "My Father, my God"- 1st- My God as myFather, 2nd- My Father who is good, 3rd- The Father who forgives, 4th- The Father has choosen me, 5th- The Father, the Gardener, 6th- The Father who discipline, 7th- The Father who hugs. A week of prayer and fasting, and study on the topics of 'The Father'. Very relevant, and this week will be "Fathering Pastor Conference". There are more than a hundreds of Pastors from all over the corners in Malaysia will be coming- mainly from the interior places- most ministered to the Orang Asli. This is our 2nd time organising the conference- with the hope to bless the pastors, those that has sacrifice their lives for God's people. God has provide more than enough for the conference- we will be subsidising the accomodation, transport and everything- to bless the pastors.
Saturday has been a full day for me. 1st Oct will be e-THIS Live, and we are trying our best to solve whatever teething problems- bugs to prepare for system implementation. 23rd Sept is also my daddy's 3 years in heaven. I miss him so so much. Went for dinner with Benji and Roland at e-Gate (Subway). After all done, Benji fetch me back home, and in the car we discuss few things- and one of it touched about forgiveness. He mentioned that "To forgive" is "To forget". To wipe up all, and renewing one relationship as how God has forgiven us. I agree with him in certain way, but not about forgetting. When somethings happen- in your heart you may forgive a person, but it doesn't really mean that you forget all. Things had happened, and nothing can change that. Unless I'm a computer that every single memories wipe out from my hardisk, or else it's still there. I argue on that- but he is not very happy. My meaning of forgiveness- is to really forgive from my heart- yet things are different in a way that I might not able to treat the other person as it is. Sometimes, as the season goes- things happen, things change, and I am accepting the changes. Yet, forgiveness is not of dwelling on one's weaknesses and stop you from going forward.
After the discussion in the car, my heart was so painful and aching. I went to the swimming pool and cried for 2 hours. Am I that sensitive? Why I cried? It's not of what Benji said or whether he offended me, no it's not. I just so sad- seeing my own spiritual life, how I've been struggling and about to climb up- and yet, it's just so difficult. I just couldn't accept that my heart don't forgive others...and I'm back to square one. Have I forgiven others? Checking my heart- again and again, deep search deep. I confess it all, if there's any person that I still hold the biterness, I release to God.
I receive a few smses:
" Love isn't about compelled to do anything! It's about whether you allow Him to flood you with healing rivers of Love,or closing up and not allow Him to work".
"Forgiving is NOT forgetting! It is giving your suffering to Him. When you have truly given ALL of it to Him, you will experience release from pain. The "not forgetting" part means learn from the mistake and don't fall for it again. Otherwise, you will be burned again. God wants us to learn from our experiences."
Father, I look you You, search my heart O Lord, and see if there is any offensive ways in me, Lead me to Your everlasting. Let the meditation of my heart and word of my mouth be ever pleasing to You, my Lord. I forgive all, and help me to treat others with the same love as before, and not of seeing others 'different'. Help me to be slow in speech and active in listening. Let my words ever pleasing You- let it be edifying, and tearing ones' down. Forgive me of my carelessness of speech, if anytime I've hurt the others, forgive me- and please Lord, bring healing to the others.
